Twinkly by "Twinkly"

Twinkly is a 24-year-old woman from the Midwest, a high school graduate with plans to attend college. She grew up in a suburban town with both parents, an older brother and a younger sister. Currently, she works as a Customer Service Representative. She says of herself that she has “…had a life-long struggle with stress and depression, but have managed to work hard enough to start realizing my goals and dreams of helping others. I am a survivor of sexual abuse and its effects. The closed-in world of loneliness and shame that I have had to endure for most of my life no longer exists. I attribute much of my personal spiritual success to a wonder-herb called marijuana.”

I started smoking pot when I was 16 or 17. Always in social situations because it was fun. It added so much to a party. Usually my friends and I would turn on some Pink Floyd or Jimi Hendrix, dim the lights, flip the switch on the lava lamps to “on,” and toke on a big “fatty.” It’s amazing how almost everyone is hilarious when they are high. Every once in a while there would be a big party to go to where we were all stoned, but mostly it was just a group of 4 or 5 people in somebody’s living room or basement, or other toking headquarters. We’d smoke and drink and play video games and smoke and talk and drink and get the munchies and smoke and talk and smoke and drink and then pass out. Boy we slept great! So, “in the beginning,” pot was just part of the party. A great buzz with great friends.

When I was 18, I met a guy who was 22. He was awesome! He partied, too, so of course we hooked up and partied together. We were a couple. He liked my friends, I liked his friends. To make the story short(er), we moved in together. One of the decisions that we made was to stop smoking pot. We were going to settle down and make a life for ourselves and not party as much. Well, it never quite happened that easily. We did continue to ride on the party train for a while and had people over a lot. Until…I started having major problems. I was starting to get so stressed out and MEAN. Rabid dog comes to mind. I was so unhappy and cried a lot. I alienated most of my friends, quit my job, and started acting abusively towards my boyfriend. I stopped smoking pot, thinking that it was the pot that made me “psycho.”

Well, needless to say, pot was the least of my problems and quitting the habit did absolutely nothing for my predicament. I stayed in this “slump” for quite a while. I have had slumps before, but never this long. I started getting more violent and having flashbacks of horrible things and being moody all the time. I started to realize that I was suffering from some kind of depression, but did not want to attribute it to what I knew it probably was. I was abused when I was very young. Very young. My grandfather sexually molested me from the age of about 3 to 7 or 8. I had never told anyone at the time, but at 13 years of age, I did tell my mother about it. My grandfather died when I was 10, so obviously there was no confrontation. I had gone to therapy two different times, once at the age of 15 and again at 17. My parents seemed to think I was acting out and unhappy. The latter was true, but the former only consisted of breaking curfew. I cried every time my father busted me for something. We are too much alike to have had a sensible argument.

Well, at this point, I did not know what to do so I tried therapy again at a local counseling center. Since I didn’t have a job I got all of it for free. My boyfriend was supporting me financially, so I really felt free to focus on my issues and try to make some breakthroughs and heal myself. I went to therapy once a week and was on medication. Some of the great side effects of this medication were nausea (yea!), vomiting (yea!), insomnia (double-yea), and sexual dysfunction (just what I needed)! So, I tried this therapy for a while and felt some improvement, but being on the medication seemed to “take my problems away,” so eventually my therapy sessions consisted of me talking about how great life is and that the hangnail I got the other day pissed me off, but I was pretty much stress free. So, I decided to end the therapy. During my therapy months, I occasionally smoked pot about once a month or so when someone had it, or when we would go camping; but it was a far cry from the earlier 3 or 4 times a week.

I was fine for a while…a while being about 7 months or so, but then I started to get pissed off and stressed out and bitchy. This time I was bound and determined to at least try and conquer some of my issues so that I wouldn’t have to go through this for the rest of my life. I felt like I needed some pot to get me through and so my boyfriend (who put up with me through all that) was able to bring home the bacon. Aaah! Relief! I could not believe that I had really ever thought that pot had made me nasty and moody! This felt wonderful! There was such an immediate change and my boyfriend noticed it, too. I felt so much more laid back and not as high strung. The job that I had at the time was still there, and better. My stress level was way down. My relationship improved. And I felt damn good!

I did not go to therapy at all. Thought about it, but felt that I could not go back to therapy again until I found what was in myself to be able to make it productive. So begins the journey into finding myself…I so thoroughly believed that marijuana has promoted my abilities to “find myself.” This new experience with marijuana was definitely different from what I had experienced before. I did not want to party.

I just wanted to be like I was when I was on marijuana. To explain, let me just say that I was so much more tuned-in to myself and others. I could concentrate on my fears, my turmoil, my stress, my problems, and turn them into plans on healing and freeing myself from lifelong chains that had bound me. I felt calm and relaxed and capable of dealing with who I was, good or bad. And what were the side effects? Occasionally, I forgot where I put the damn car keys…oh, that’s right, they’re on my night stand… and fatigue. Whenever I felt fatigued, I took a nap, and would cut down on smoking marijuana 3-4 times a week to about 2-3 times. This seemed to do the trick. I would say a heckuva’ lot better than nausea, vomiting, insomnia, and sexual dysfunction. I have never had any other kinds of side effects from marijuana other than these. Since I have tried this illegal therapy technique, I have been able to realize things about myself and the world around me. I am a much better person for it. When I do feel stressed out, I go for the marijuana before anything else because it helps.

I have been told that my diagnoses are “Major Depression,” “Social Phobia,” and “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” So, as far as medical use goes, I think that it has definitely been a Godsend to help me cope with these disorders. I am so much more calm in general. I am able to look deeper inside myself to make good, sound decisions based on my true beliefs and morals. I am not violent. I have a greater appreciation for life, people, and my surroundings. I love who I am and what I am, even if I don’t like what has happened to me. I have acquired such sensitivity to those around me and a loving kindness towards all things. I have such an open mind and see such objectivity in things that used to make me so horribly angry! There are so many other wonderful things that I have been able to experience differently or delve into a little deeper using marijuana. It clarifies things that are important and good for me. I am hoping that others have found this “way” or will soon find it even though marijuana is still illegal. This would be such a kinder, gentler, laid-back world if we did.

To sum it all up, I’m still with my boyfriend of 6 years and I do go to therapy every once in a while. I have tried other medications, but none work as well. Much to the disapproval of my therapist, I still smoke marijuana when I get stressed or can’t handle my issues. It helps calm me down enough to deal with them, not to ignore them. I never drink alcohol because I think it makes me lose control. I don’t feel that marijuana is a problem or a “way out.” I am responsible for me and my well being and my relationships. Marijuana has definitely been a good enlightener for me to improve myself, my well being, and my relationships!!!

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